Jades Secret
by inScense
Summary: Jades in pain and she needs help. She needs her. But Tori is avoiding her own hurt, by avoiding the girl who caused it. The same girl who is slowly going insane.
1. The Voice In My Head

_Jade's POV._

'"Fuck!" I scream hitting the balcony outside my window, the same window Tori climbed up in one of her little goofy role-playing 'game' Where I was the beautiful and shy Juliet where she was the handsome and risky Romeo...God I miss her, so much..but I would rather swallow my foot then say that to one human being.

The only problem, there's already another human being that knows...

Cat has always been able to get under your skin, figure out your feeling's before you figure them out yourself, she done the same thing when I first met Beck. So, I assumed I did have a SMALL crush on Tori when she first got her...as time flew by, so did my feeling's. I ended up falling in love with the latina.

When I finally maned up and confronted her and told her how I felt, It was the most magical night of my life. I figured her entire body out, her weak spots, I found out how sweet and soft her skin felt. She made me feel so good, so loved. Beck honestly did not compare in any way. She made me feel like it was just us, the entire earths population just dropped dead.

I've always lived with regrets, and eventually, I regretted my existence. I don't even know who I am anymore, and I don't want to even try to figure it out. I've lived a life of pain and misery. Thats all I know, and if who I really am is anything along those lines, then I don't want to figure it out at all.

"Ahh!" I scream out at the top of my lungs gripping and pulling my hair out as well. _They _won't stop screaming at me, telling me how stupid I was to do to Victoria what I did, how now she hates me.. how she laughs at me behind my back..

Times like this, I'm glad my dad is always at work.. Not like my dad cares enough to actually help me through this.

He'd be better if I just left. Or even outing myself.

Honestly I've thought about it, almost every. single. day. It's not because Tori and I are over. Well, That's a HUGE reason, but it's not the main one.

It's the fact that I'll never get her back...

That and the voice in my head.

The one that's alway's hissing in my ear, that's alway's telling me how worthless I am. The one that mocks me for ever leaving Tori, even though he say's that I never deserved her. Which I know I don't.

And yep, you heard it right.

I, Jadelyn Autumn West is legally a Schizophrenic.

* * *

Black hair, that's it. I don't have the streaks in my hair in anymore because I'm not trying to impress anyone any longer, plum lips, and green eyes. Small ears, and an equally small nose. No piercings, just the one in my ear. The small scissor tattoo on my lower stomach and the star on my arm. I'm wearing a blue Hollywood Arts shirt, with simple sweatpants. It's only a half day today, so I'm not going to dress the best.

I'm zoning out of all the gothic crap. I don't want anyone to suspect anything and have more rumors spreading around then there already are.

I like how our so-called peers, can stab each other in the back and walk away like the knife they were using was just plastic and wont leave a scar.

I groan, throwing my bag over my shoulder and grabbing the keys to my black mustang convertible and head out the door. I check my phone looking for any missed messages or calls and once I see the date, I feel like my heart was struck by lightning.

Its February 11th, exactly one month since we broke up.

* * *

_I can feel the tears in my eyes as I start running down Hollywood Hills street, where the Vega home is located. Its been getting so bad, (mine and Tori's relationship) where I'd run out of the house whenever she'd ask me a simple question. I'm so fucking stupid... it's not my fault exactly. There is this... Voice inside pf my head. Telling me to do bad things, telling me that Tori's going to do bad things. That she'll hurt me, that shes just going to leave or break me. I keep thinking that the voice is right, I mean, I don't know why he'd be there unless hes warning me. "Jade! Please wait!" The tapping of her Vans on the side-walk don't help the 'headache' I'm having. "Jade!" Before I take another step I feel her hand on my waist pulling me back to her, walking in front of me so she can face me. I can tell that she's been crying, and that shes hurt. I avoid any type of eye contact, I can't concentrate on two things at once, "What the hell happened?" __"Shes faking sympathy."__ He's not yelling at me, hes basically whispering. But its WHAT he says that makes me want to curl up in a ball and wear headphones. Not like it would help. "Are you even listening to me?" its evident that tears are streaming out of her face, and there's nothing more I want to do right now then to hug her tightly.. but I cant. "Jadelyn Autumn West if-" "Tori. Stop. We need to just stop this. It's obvious that we're not working out, its better we just go back to before any of this happened, I'm sorry, but it's for the best. We're not good for each other." I'm avoiding her gaze, or her touch, or her attempt to even look at my feet. "What are you talking about?" "Tori, your not good for me, I can't be with you any longer."She chokes back her tears, I thought she'd be bawling, but I was wrong. It surprises me when she yells at me "WE'RE? No, its not 'we're', Its you. And we're fine. You've been upset or depressed and you wont even tell me why. You've kept to yourself for the past month, you wont even kiss me, or let me fucking hug you. and god forbid I reach for your hand at school without getting scolded. You need to check yourself. All I want Jade, all I NEED is my girlfriend. But I can't even have that, you wont even give me that." ...I've never seen her yell that loud, or get that angry. She turns to walk away. By the end I have tears in my eyes, and I do everything to stop myself from turning around and running to kiss her like some kind of romance movie. __"Walk away. Shes better off, and you don't even deserve her."__ And that's what I did._

* * *

1 in every 100 people are affected by schizophrenia, and I know I'm not alone. But I do wish Tori knew about it. There are nights when I want to text her, and just write everything down, but what if she's happy without me?

_"She probably is."_Great... I don't want to do this here..

"Please, please, go away" I whisper in a hush volume, hopefully to where no one else can hear.

_"Get over it. Where's Tori?"_ "Why would I know?" While collecting books out of my locker, and having a conversation with... myself. I put a pair of headbuds in my ear. So if people see me talking, they'll think I'm just singing. Maybe.

_"Because you're looking for her."_ Sighing, annoyingly. I look down at my phone to see that I havent been playing music at all, and I only have a few more minutes untill 2nd period.

_"Shes right behind you."_ and almost as on cue, I turn around and I see her just staring at me.

"Where you talking to yourself?" She looks honestly worried, or just bored. I decide to play it off. "No." Shooting herself an icy glare, I turn my heel and walk away.

_"Good. Fucking. Job."_ I turn the corner heading to the asphalt café, in a hush-hush voice I whisper, "Please, stop."

When I don't get a reply, I feel releaved and I make my way to the usual lunch table. I didn't think I'd be late, but when I see the only seat open is next to Tori, I knew I should have hurried. I consider sitting by myself, or just eating in the school. But that would jump the rumor mill.

* * *

If you're at all curious, Beck and I have remained 'friends', but it does get a bit awkward now since he's dating Cat. Poor Robbie, right? He's single, and I'm sure it's going to stay like that. To my pleasure, Tori's not dating anyone, but I do see Andre` smiling at her all the time, and the way he walks as she walks away. Pisses me off. I never thought I'd be so jealous of him. But he's 'best friends' with the girl I'm in love with, and if you ever feel in love with a girl, and her best friend is someone you don't trust to be alone with her, you'd feel how I do. Every time they look at each other, or I see him look at her, I just get so upset, and jealous, that I'll completely ignore both of them. Andre` knows I don't like him and he knows why I don't.

You do crazy things when you're in love.

C'est La Vie.

I take my seat, and I open my salad container. I feel Tori tense up when she felt my leg touch hers on mistake. I mumble a sorry, and grab my fork, bumping into Cats right arm. She just laughs and gives me an apologetic look, I return a smile. Andre` pulls out two ear buds and gives one to Tori, who's sitting right next to him. "I wanna listen to music Andre`!" Cat whines, and he laughs and takes the buds out and pulls up his music app, "Ima play Tori's new song guys." Tori just gasps and says, "Your the one who sent it to me!" He laughs and looks at the girl as the music starts to play.

The beat, and music sounds amazing, by the way.

_"The cycle repeated, as explosions broke in the sky. All that I needed, was the one thing I couldn't find. And you were there at the turn, waiting to let me know. We're building it up, to break it back down. We're building it up, to burn it down. We can't wait, to burn it to the ground."_

Dammit. He sent this to Tori to remind her of our relationship.. but, it is pretty spot one. I'll be honest, I fucking hate Linkin Park. But SOME of their songs aren't that bad.

_"The colors conflicted, as the flames flyed into the clouds. I wanted to fix this, but couldn't stop from tearing it down. And you were there at the turn, caught in the burning hole, and I was there at the turn waiting to let you know. Were building it up, to break it back down. Were building it up, to burn it down. We can't wait to burn it to the ground."_

This actually stings. I honestly like this song, but knowing the meaning behind it, it makes me shiver. Andre` and Tori are just smiling, Cat and Beck are just listening to the music, and Robbie's just eating.

_"You told me yes, you held me high. And I believed, when you told that lie. I played soldier, you played king. And struck me down, when I kissed that ring. You lost that right, to hold that crown. I built you up, but you let me down. So when you fall, I'll take my turn. And fan the flames as your blazes burn."_

"Best part of the song." Andre` whispers to Tori, I clench my fist under the table when she just smiles and nods her head.

_"And you were there at the turn waiting to let me know, We're building it up, to break it back down. We're building it up, to burn it down. We can't wait, to burn it to the ground. When you fall I'll take my turn, and fan the flames as your blazes burn. We cant wait to burn it to the ground. When you fall I'll take my turn, and fan the flames as your blazes burn. We cant wait to burn it to the ground."_

You lost that right, to hold that crown. I built you up, but you let me down. It was actually a pretty damn amazing song.

I recognize the music of the next song, and Tori actually laughs when he just looks at her, about to burst out laughing.

_"Now and then I think of when we were together, like when you said you felt so happy you could die. Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and its an ache I still remember. You can get addicted to a certain type of sadness, like reconigition to the end, always the end. So when you said we can not make sence, well you said we would still be friends, but I admit that I was glad, that it was over." _

I try not to pay attention to the song, it use to make me cry every single time that I listened to it.

_"But you didn't have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we we're nothing. And I don't even need your love. You treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough. No you didnt have to stoop so low, have your friends collect your records and change your number. Guess I don't need that tho. Now your just somebody that I use to know. Now your just somebody that I use to know. Now your just somebody that I use to know."_

I just got out my notebook and my pen. I asked Cat to move over just a little bit so I could put my arm on the table. I'm left handed, so it's a bit hard to write in a crowded area.

Tori took his phone and changed the song,

_"Cause I knew you were trouble, when you walked in. Shame on me how you took me places I've never been. Till you put me down, oh, I knew you were trouble when you walked in. Shame on me how you took me places I've never been. Now I'm laying on the cold hard ground. Trouble, trouble, trouble. Trouble, trouble, trouble."_

Andre` takes his phone, "GAY", earning an open mouth from Tori, as I just glare at him. He freezes when he sees Tori's reaction, "I meant the song, Latina." Laughing, he gets up and throws his stuff away. The bell signals that lunch is over and 4th period is going to start in 10 minutes. Tori walks away in his direction and they walk to class together. I ask Cat if I could borrow her phone, and ignore her saying, "Don't get in trouble, Jade." You wouldn't believe it, but Cats actually more intelligent than half of the pot heads here.

She ACTS. She acts ditzy. Only the four of us know who she really is. For starters; her brother isn't crazy, he goes to NYU. She's close to having a 4.0 GPA, shes caring, and smart, shes drop dead beautiful, and I'd be lying if I said I never liked her as more then a friend. She was the first to know that I like girls and she was completely understanding when I told her I liked her and kissed her. She said we were best friends and that it would ruin the friendship and I can't lose Cat. So I understood and eventually got over her with time.

I walk in Sikowitz class, and we all had this class together. Beck and Cat sat in front holding hands, Robbie sat behind them, Andre` and Tori sat in the back, always talking and laughing. I always sat beside Cat and Beck. Class was boring, and eventually the day was over.

* * *

I was home, watching T.V. playing with Cats phone. I took a look at her pictures and I smiled at every one of them. A lot are of us, her and Beck, her and Tori. I cringe and pull up her messaging. A lot are from Beck, but I don't pry. I type a message to Tori.

_"Whats going on with you and Andre`?" - Cat Valentine_

It wasn't two minutes before I got a reply.

_"What do you mean? He's my best friend, nothings going on." - Tori Vega _

_"I see the way you look at each other." - Cat Valentine  
_

_"So? Does that automatically make us in love with each other?" - Tori Vega_

_"You seem pissed off about something, i'm just looking out for you both. Forget it, bye." - Cat Valentine  
_

_"Cat, =\ I'm sorry." - Tori Vega_

_"Its whatever." - Cat Valentine_

_"Proof. She likes someone else." _ God damnint,

"Don't you ever leave me alone?" I say aloud.

_"No."_

I turn the T.V off and go to my room. I hear a buzz from my back pocket seeing that Tori texted back.

_"I'm sorry, but i'm serious. Nothings going on with Andre`. I don't like him like that, I know he does, he's told me. But I change the subject every time he brings it up. I don't like anyone like that right now." - Tori Vega_

She doesn't like anyone like that right now..?

_"Then why flirt with him every second you're at school?" - Cat Valentine_

_"..Promise me that you wont tell Jade?" - Tori Vega_

The look on my face right now, is an all time high.

_"I promise, Tori." - Cat Valentine._

_"Andre` keeps bringing up the fact that he likes me, and every time he does, I just smile, and walk away. Letting him wonder. I act the way I do at school, because I know it bothers Jade. She's hurt me so badly Cat. She deserves to get hurt." - Tori Vega_

...What the hell is wrong with her?

_"Your doing it on purpose? You're being a bitch to her Tori. You have no idea what type of shit she's going through, she NEEDS you. And your trying to upset her, and get her jealous, and purposely hurt her. I thought out of everyone you would be the one to never do that. i guess i was wrong." - Cat Valentine_

_"What type of shit SHES going through? She doesn't know what I've been going through, Cat... I've been cutting myself..." - Tori Everything_ around me just stopped, I don't know if I can breathe right now... Tori Vega

Tori. MY innocent, sweet, Tori... is slicing her skin open?

_"..." - Cat Valentine_

_"How long?" - Cat Valentine_

_"Since we broke up..." - Tori Vega_

_"Who knows?" - Cat Valentine_

_"Andre`." - Tori Vega_

_"Where?" - Cat Valentine_

_"My legs.." - Tori Vega_

_"How many times have you done it?" - Cat Valentine_

_"A lot..." - Tori Vega_

_"How bad have you gotten?" - Cat Valentine_

_"What..?" - Tori Vega_

_"Whats the worse that you've done?" - Cat Valentine_

_"I've...I carved her name into my hip.." - Tori Vega_

_"How the hell can you be so stupid Victoria?" - Cat Valentine_

_"...This isn't Cat. Is it?" - Tori Vega_

_"No, Vega." - Jade West_


	2. A March Into Water

AN - So, :I it's evident that I made a mistake in my last chapter, in having Tori address Jades middle name, with two different names U_U her middle name is going to be August and I apology for any more mistakes I may have made. -

P.S I need 20 reviews to upload any more chapters. Just to know people like this.

* * *

_Jades POV;_

A tone alerts from the phone and what I see makes me choke on... Air?

_Incoming Call from Tori Vega_

Answer or decline? Am I ready for this? Should I try? _"Answer it."_ I don't think I can... _"Don't be a coward. Answer the damn phone. She'll only call back."_

I close my eyes and answer. "Hold on." I say with haste.

I run to my laptop to turn on my Spotify account, music helps distract me from him. Big time. Almost as if he wasn't even there.

"Jade... I'm-" She whispers in a hush volume. Trying to pretend that its okay. I cut her off. I'm not going to have this.

"Don't tell me your sorry. Don't tell me that it's okay, and don't tell me that your okay. Don't lie to me."

I haven't really noticed what song is playing, I've never heard it but I just now payed attention to a line.

_"Every night she cries and dies a little more each time. Say you love me. Nothing left inside. Say you love me, and the silence will set her free."_

I like it. I'll need to search up the lyrics. But, I think I zoned out on Tori. When I focus back on her, shes in some rant.

"-but it goes the same way, Jadelyn. What was it that "Cat" was talking back? What have you been going through?"

...Should I?

No.

Wait...

Hhhhhh... No. At least not yet.

"Nothing that concerns you Tori. Just forget it. What the real problem is, is you. I mean.. What the hell are you thinking? You know it leaves scars, Tori. Scars. They'll never go away."

"..and neither will the way I feel about you."

_Click_

* * *

It's been about three hours, so its around 11p.m, not like I'm getting any sleep anyway. I just stay awake, drawing and listening to that song.

_"Torn in two she lies awake. the moon lights up the room like day. Another night she spends alone. Without his touch her skin so cold. The blood that's running through her veins with every beat there's no escape. Lost in everything she trusts. Still can't seem to get enough."_

_"Say you love me, and the silence will set her free."_

I'm thinking about texting her from my phone, or sending her this song, or something. Maybe I should post a status with these lyrics? No, I haven't been on Facebook in forever anyway. I can text her the lyrics. Ugh, no.

I decide to play another song, more upbeat. I hit shuffle.

_"I kissed the scars on her skin. I still think your beautiful, and I don't ever want to lose my best friend. I screamed out- "God, you vulture! Bring her back or take me with her!"_

How fucking ironic. I laugh, and then it hit me.

She's mine.

And this is my responsibility.

_"I know that you're in pain, but if we die at the same time does it still scare you?"_

I decide to post a status anyway.

_Jade West - "I kissed the scars on her skin. I still think your beautiful, and I don't ever want to lose my best friend. I screamed out - "God, you vulture! Bring her back or take me with her!"_

* * *

_Tori's POV_

I'm so numb. Honestly. The first time I've talked to her in a month and I fuck it up. Like I always do. My life has been one massive mistake after another, and no matter how hard I try, I can't stop myself from falling.

As a child, my life was "normal". If you count having parents that are never home and a sister who can't take a hint. I've always been taught to stand on my own, and I've always been stressed out in some way. I've known so many people who have self harmed, and I swore that was something that I would never do. But regardless of what I said, I'm here now.

It was strange, knowing I can have so much control with such a little object. And I can't quite shake the fear of it not being enough. That one night, one line, wont be enough. But it's normal. I arrived into this world always fearing the worst, unsure of pretty much everything.

There's a slight buzz in my pocket, and seeing a message from Facebook, I open it. Jade posted a new status.

And.

Yes.

I have her status sent to my phone. Deal with it.

_Jade West - "I kissed the scars on her skin. I still think your beautiful, and I don't ever want to lose my best friend. I screamed out - "God, you vulture! Bring her back or take me with her!" _

I shook my head, and threw my phone on my bed.

I shouldn't have told her. Or, well. Told "Cat".

After the break up, there was just to much pressure. My friends telling me to act a certain way, or have Trina telling me how to feel. Jade was alive, she just wasn't in my world. I get it, their all trying to look out for me, or their just trying to make sure my mental state is stable. But I wasn't getting better. Who can get better when they have people trying to get them to move on before their ready to?

Jade broke up with me, and to her this choice had been quite fine and well. Like she never loved me. I tried to ignore the fact that she's even alive. I've been trying so hard to move on, but I keep lying to myself.

My legs felt like rubber as I rose from my bed and went into the bathroom to look at myself.

Staring into the mirror had never been such a hard task. The only thing I see now is an empty shell with a half dead girl inside.

Splashing cold water on my face I looked in the mirror. A strange girl with a haunted look stared back at my. A girl I didn't know anymore. Soon, I promised herself, I would be able to rest again. Dismissing the reflection I returned to her bed.

This isn't fair, I go to her with so many questions and I walk away with no answers.

I don't deserve this.


	3. 7 Months and 3 Days

_Toris POV;_

I overhead the clouds as they rumbled, frowning down at California on a rainy Friday. Thank god its Friday. Right?

I jump off the bed and look out the window to see the droplets falling from the sky. I don't know why, but I have the most weirdest obsession with rain. I just want to play the piano every time it does. I like to think that the notes I play are what the rain is trying to say.

I trail a finger down the cold glass of the window, and I have the urge to break a piece of the window off and slice it across my skin.

I quickly shake the thought away and pull out a purple shirt and black jacket with the casual dark blue skinny jeans. I sprawl it across my bed and made my way to the bathroom across the hall.

In the bathroom, I shredded my towl. Walking over to the shower, I caught a glance of my self in the mirror. Noticeable scars from every which way crowded my legs and hip. I gently ran my hand over them. If anybody else saw they wouldn't believe it for a second that goodie two shoes self harms.

I reached for the nob and turned it all the way around, I never liked warm showers, and I sure as hell hated cold.

It had to be that fire hot, scalding temperature. I've always preferred the warmth of scalding water pounding down on me.

I spent the first 40 minutes just letting the water wash over myself, thinking about everything. I spent about 10 minutes just crying to myself knowing that Jade knows my secret and it showed despite the hot water of the shower scalding my skin. And the last 5 minutes is what consisted of actually washing myself.

Finally finishing I got out and reached the towel that I put on the counter. I wiped myself dry then wrapped my hair in the towel. I slid on my clothes and enjoyed the warmness and softness.

At this point in time, now that things had finally reached the worst case scenario, I couldn't help but let her mind drift about how things would have turned out if Jade never would have broken up with my. Even though she knew Jade stood such a large distance away from me.

I couldn't help it.

I love her.

I'm IN love with her.

And to this day, I haven't forgotten the heart warming thumps of each beat of the girls heart she heard, while I layed on her chest after she took the my virginity and the way her protective arms held me until I was lulled to sleep.

It was the most wonderful, magical, amazing night of my life. I felt so scared, and vulnerable. But the way she would look at me, the way she stared into my eyes, and the way she kissed my forehead, it took all of the bad feelings away and it replaced them with love, and lust.

* * *

_Jade saw me crying a month or two ago, later that night she called me, she had me on the phone for hours just talking about my past, my life, everything. She made me feel so good. At school she treats me like I'm so important. She sticks up for me. In private. We act like we're together. No kissing or holding hands... Though. Every time we watch a movie, if a scary part comes on, I'll cover in her chest, and she'll comfort me like I'm the most special thing in the world. I never knew she could be like this. I think I'm starting to fall for her.. She's at my house right now. In my bed. Under the covers with me. Shes spending the night, something we do regularly. Were watching a comedy with Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock in it. I love the movie, but Jades just calling me to kiss her, shes wearing a Cali t-shirt, with sweatpants on. She must have noticed me staring at her face and turns to look at me. Smiling, she asks "What?" Returning the smile I mutter out "Nothing," She grabs my hand, and I swear I see her look at my lips, and that's all it takes. Risking everything, I lean down and capture her lips in a deep, passionate, kiss. I'm about to pull away when she grabs my neck and pulls me down deeper, deepening the kiss. Oh God. Her lips are so, so soft. I trace my hand up her arm to reach her neck, I hold it in place, she wraps her arms around me. I lick her bottom lip begging for entrance, which she gladly accepts. She lets out the softest whimper, and it made my heart stop. I've wanted to hear that for so long. And, I've never done this before, so... I have no idea what I'm doing. She tightens her grip on me, and moves her hands to my hair, playing with a few strands. I push her shoulders back, "Jade... I..-" She kisses me and I wish she wouldn't have stopped. "It's okay. It's my first time too. But," She looks in my eyes, and kisses my forehead. "We don't have to do anything." I look at her, I trust her, and I'm pretty sure I love her... I can't see me giving it to anyone else. "I want too. Just... This has to be slow." She nods with understanding, and she takes the lead, she kisses me and turns us over to where shes on top. She slowly moves my head so she can kiss my neck, she runs her hand up and down my side. Playing with the hem of my shirt, "Can I take this off?" I nod, lightly tracing my nails across her back, she takes my bra off after a few trys, muffling my laughs, she kisses me to shut up. She kisses my nipples, and toys with the other one. Making them both hard, she takes the left nub in between her teeth and slowly bit down. I whimper, and I take her left hand and squeeze it tightly. She kisses her way down to my pants, looking up at me, I just nod my head. She has trouble, so I unbutton them and she slides them down my legs, she runs her nails on my inner thigh, I instantly wrap my arms around her neck, tightly. She puts her hand over my most sensitive spot. She puts a finger in between my underwear and slides them down so agonizing slowly. Jade's fingers wandered through her slick folds, her fingers lightly teasing her entrance before withdrawing. She lowered her head, darting her tongue out she started hitting my clit in fast strokes. Ever time I cry out in pleasure and tear into the skin on her back. "Jade...More.." She slid a finger inside of her, pumping it in and out slowly. I grab onto her hair and forcefully pull, it feels so fucking good. "Harder.." She slid another finger into her and did it a bit faster, I pulled her hair more roughly, and she leaned down and flicked her tongue on my clit. I couldn't hold it in, "Jade! Just like that..please.,please.." Repeating the actions over and over, I keep saying her name over and over, she leans up and whispers in my ear; "Come for me Victoria." She picks up the pace and rubs my clit faster then before and then white blurred my vision and my voice became hoarse. I fell asleep in her arms as she held me close._

We were together for 7 months and 3 days.

And I'm still holding on to every word she said.

* * *

Standing at my locker smiling, I get halfway through the day with no problems. Then I see the cause of all my problems walking up to me after lunch. The hallway is clear, and we're alone.

She looks like she's been crying. Her eyes are red, and shes avoiding eye contact with me, she glances at me for half a second, but then carry's on.

When I think shes coming up to me, I just watch her, but she avoids me and just goes straight out of the building.

I don't know if I should run after her or if I should just leave her alone.


	4. Don't Go

_Jades POV;_

_You're nothing. You always have been, you always will be. So why do you keep trying? You fail at everything you try to do anyways. Your worthless, just die!_

I passed through Tori, running out of the building and sprinting to my car. I unlocked it and got in, gripping onto the steering wheel, I scream, and grab onto my hair.

The buzzing in my head grew louder. Sometimes I could only hear fractions of what was being said, but sometimes I could only hear noises. _"Die."_ the voice announced, and the thought was horrible enough to make tears well up in my eyes. My chest was tight and I realized I was breathing a lot faster than I should be.

I'm trying to ignore it, but the more I do, the more it got louder, and angrier.

_Worthless. _

Lately, I keep everything bottled up inside. But there always has to be something at school or at home that sets me off.

And then it gets to the point where everything inside blows up, and spreads through my veins like some sort of disease. It comes back and bites me in the ass.

Interrupting my thoughts, Tori shows up out of nowhere, knocking on the window; "Jade, open the door." She kept her voice calm. Jade glanced up with dull, ocean eyes and blinked. Nodded dully. Jade unlocked the door for the younger girl and allowed her inside. She sat and stared at her, just studying her, before finally suggesting the younger girl talk. Jade slumped into the seat, playing with her fingers. Her eyes were heavy avoiding eye contact.

"What's going on with you?" Tori asked sternly, never one to mince words or to procastinate. Jade just shrugged like a bored teenager, but her expression was just, tired.

"You've been acting differently, your late for class, you barely eat lunch and you can't even look at me for more then five seconds. You look like your in so much pain but every time I try to talk to you, you shut me out and pretend I'm not there." Tori said, more softly.

"What do you want from me Tori?" She asks emotionless.

Tori frowned as Jade slowly faced back towards the front window avoiding her stare, her movements radiating the sense of hopelessness she felt. In all honesty, watching the girl who was once her everything waste away like this was eating Tori inside out.

They were both so strong, and now being apart has caused Tori to self hatred, to self harm, to cut away every bad feeling she gets or whenever she thinks about the raven haired girl. And it's caused Jade to...do whatever Jades doing.

Jade had once been the leader, had once looked forward to life and was ready to take on whatever it threw at her.

Not anymore.

"I just want to know whats wrong.." Tori dared putting her hand over the other girls. When she went to pull away, Tori squeezed harder. "Would it be better if we went somewhere more private?"

_Don't say anything. Don't fucking say a thing._

She nodded her head, started the engine and drove off to the Vega home, a place she hasn't been in so long.

She looked over at Tori and caught her eyes just watching her. Tori offered a smile, not getting one back she continued watching.

* * *

_Tori's POV;_

"Thank you for coming over Jade.." I said as I unbuckled my seat belt uncomfortably, not knowing what I'm suppose to say.

"It's fine," Her hands still gripping the steering wheel harder than normal.

Unlocking the doors, I grabbed my bag and went to unlock the front door with Jade behind me.

Walking inside, I look back at Jade whose head was starring at the ground. "So.. Do you wanna go to my room?"

Almost immediately Jade snaps her head up, which makes me regret it and become embarrassed, "Not like that! I mean, just..to uh,"

"Talk? Yeah."

I smile and I'm already up and walking the stairs. Looking directly at the stairs. I have the familiar sense of nervousness, it's not like anythings going to happen right? We were just going to talk.

We slowly walked into the room. And we sit on the bed. Our shoes off, and lying on the floor. I had my knees tucked into stomach, and my arm was a barrier, not letting them out of my hold.

I watch as the girl trys to avoid the obvious, it puts me in pain. She always looks like shes having an argument with herself. Every time she looks at me to see if I'm still watching her, she'll quickly glance away when our eyes make contact. She shuts her eyes and continues twirling her thumbs, I debate on taking one of her hands in mine, but I'm afraid she'll react badly and walk off. "Jade.. We're alone, please. Whats been going on?"

She turns her head to look me directly in the eye, "I... I haven't been sleeping that well." She finally said softly, so softly I almost missed the words. I nodded in understanding. I had guessed as much; I had my share of sleepless nights skulking around inside my own head.

I knew it was something more then insomnia though.

"Jade. Please, the truth. If you tell me, I'll tell you anything you want to know," She stops in mid sentence, "or show you anything you want to see.."

"Your going to think I'm crazy..only," She started, "only because I am."

I grab onto her hand, "It's okay.. Just let it out."

After minutes of stalling and looking at her hands, "I'm schizophrenic.." She said it in a bellow whisper, but I heard every bit of it.

"I am a paranoid schizophrenic. I hear voices, I hear 'a' voice. Sometimes I see things. But I never really see them, you know? I'll hear someone say something from the darkened corner of my room and I'll start crying because I swear I'm not alone. My doctor confirmed it, I'm legally a Paranoid Schizophrenic." She puts her head in her hands. "The Voices..." She said in a hushed voice. "I don't want to listen... But I'll get in trouble if I don't..." She grips her hair, as I see tears fall from her beautiful eyes, "My damn head just won't stop fucking beating."

A tear rolled down Jade's cheek. Tori's heart broke, but she put on a sweet smile and tried to look for something to say, it would be so easy to break down right here in front of her, but I need to be strong. I have to be strong for her. "Thank you.. For telling me. I wish you would have done it sooner. But I need you to promise me something. Promise me that you'll come to me whenever you hear something, or see something. Okay?"

"How are you so okay with this? I tell you I'm mentally insane and-"

"Do not say that. Do you hear me?" I almost yell the first part out at her. "Your not crazy, your not 'insane', you just have an ability to hear things that no one else does. I don't think your either one of those things, so you don't need to think it."

"You don't have to be so comforting, Tor. You always make me feel better." She bites her lip and smiles.. I really, really want to kiss her right now.

So I do.

It was soft and simple, I've been wanting to kiss her for the longest time. Just to have one more taste of her lips. She pushed my shoulders back and quickly got off the bed. "I'm sorry. Jade. I'm sorry." I blurt out.

She looks at me, like she's trying to see my intentions. All I want is to kiss her again..

"Jade. I promise, I won't do it again, just please, don't leave." I whisper out, almost crying.

Jade smirks and shakes her head. "That's fine," she mumbles and then walks over to the younger girl. She kissed her, harder and rougher and full of need, unlike the first time. It wasn't long before they found themselves caught up in each other with Jade straddling Tori and leaning her down onto the bed.

A broken moan leaves Tori's mouth and Jade's breath drags from within her, she bites gently at Jade's neck because she needs to.

Jade cried out, "Did I hurt you?"

"No, just.. Don't stop."

She kisses the same spot again, and again.

Tori flips them over so she can see how beautiful Jade is, she always loved to see her face when she was pleasuring her. She's missed it.

She balances her weight on one hand and lets the other gently rub up Jade's arm, over her shoulder, until she can remove the tight tee-shirt Jade wears to reveal more skin. I throw her shirt somewhere in my clean organized room.

I lightly brushed over the back of her bra and started moving my fingers up and down her back. Playing with the hem of her pants.

"We don't have to do this Jade." I breathed out, praying that she wouldn't stop me.

"But I want to.."


	5. Too Soon For That

30 reviews and I'll continue the story.

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_Jades POV;_

"But I want to.."

And I do. I really, really do. But.. I can't. Not here, not now. I'm just not ready for this. This is the first time we've actually talked since last month and I'm not just going to give it up.

She leans in to kiss me again, I don't avoid it, I kiss her back with so much need and passion and desire. But then I push her shoulders back once more.

"But I can't.." Jade said as she sat up, forcing Tori to get off of her, "Can we, uh, just stop there?"

Frozen with disappointment, and guilt, she simply mumbles; "Of course, I'm sorry."

I understand why shes upset, I would be too, but it's too much. I just, I can't. It's too soon. I hate doing this to her though, getting her worked up and then just stop what were doing. She was always so effected by it. Every time it would happen her mood would instantly change from happiness to quietness, and I always felt responsible because I was.

And as I watch her repeating her same habit, lying down with her eyes closed and mouth sealed, I pull the arm stretched out across her forehead and use it as a pillow as I lay down facing her. Hoping she would open her eyes, but from past experience, I know she wont.

"Are you okay?"

Don't tell me you're fucking fine. Don't tell my you're fucking fine. Do _not_ tell me you're fucking fine.

"I'm fine." Hhhhh...

"You're doing it again."

"Sorry for being tired."

I hate that. I freaking hate how she makes me feel horrible just because I wouldn't sleep with her. I know that she's not doing it on purpose but it still hurts. It always made me cry but not this time. I won't let her have that affect over me if I'm not even her girlfriend.

I turn over, blinking repeatedly so there's no chance of tears escaping. I take her all to familiar blanket and wrap it around me disregarding the fact that I was still fully clothed. I can feel her eyes on the back of my head so I just squeezed the blanket tighter.

_Look what you've done now. Don't cry. Wimp._

I won't.

I let out a small sigh, knowing he's right. I am a wimp. I gave Tori my virginity and we know eachothers bodies inside out and I won't even let her touch me.

She's mad at me. I know it.

He's mad at me. I know it.

_Leave. She doesn't want to see you. _

I reach onto the floor and slide my shoes on before Tori could even say a word and when she finally lets one fall out of her mouth I'm already opening the door with tear's in my eyes.

"Wait,"

"No. I'm sorry that I'm a wimp and won't give you what you want. I'll just leave now." I turn quickly and begin to walk until I hear her say; "Jade, please."

But I just kept walking.

Normally, I would have turned back.

Normally, I would have let her touch me.

Normally, I wouldn't have this voice in my head, but I do.

Because I'm _not_ normal anymore.

_You never have been._

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_Like I said, 30 reviews and I'll continue. _


	6. I Love You

I went to bed thinking no one would review, I woke up and there were 30. xD 40 for the next chapter.

* * *

_Jades POV;_

I close the door to the Hollywood home and as the cold air bites my cheek, I dig my nails into the sides of my legs. The words 'I made a mistake' is surfacing around me, but I can't speak. I just stand completely emotionless and numb. I walked out of there before Tori even had a chance. Aggressively wiping the tears that fall, I decide I should at least fix this. As I turn, I see that the door is already opened with Tori standing in between. She's biting her lip, something she always does when she's nervous.

There's no words. Just unspoken silence.

Worrisome, regret, disappointment, fear. They're all written over her face. I look at her hands, her shaky fists buried in her pockets.

She doesn't break eye contact with me, her big brown eyes, so... So Tori.

And I miss Tori.

I take one of her hands and lead her up the stairs slowly, when we reach her room I close the door and drag her to the bed. I straddle her hips and connect our lips once again, surprise in the air, she hardly does a thing but I just continue. She's hesitant at first, I can feel it but once she starts kissing back, I feel more better. More safe. She licks my bottom lip and I almost immediately gave her permission, as our tongues are battling, I reach for the bottom of her shirt. Tugging it up and off. She pulls me closer to her, to where I'm sitting on her stomach. Carefully, she slipped her hand underneath my top making a path towards the my breasts. I started to suck at Tori pulse point licking in between soft kisses.

I gasped against her lips as the brunette began palming my right breast, she ran a thumb over the fabric of my bra, removing my shirt completely, my mouth opens in shock.

The heat between my legs became more evident, and uncomfortable.

Tori stopped palming my breast to unclasp my bra. I stopped breathing.

Siting up, she began to turn her full attention to my bare breast, nipping, licking, kissing and sucking at the skin there, her fingers wander down to my dark tight pants.

She's going agonizing slow.

"Tori... Please,"

Tori moaned, grinding her hips down against me.

She starts rubbing the skin right above where the top of my pants are. Back and forth. There are moments where she will 'accidentally' go beneath my pants, closer to my core. Electrifying a gasp from me.

She pressed her lips to my stomach and then to resume what her hand had been doing, but with her tongue.

I entangled my hands into Tori's hair as she starts rubbing me. She could have me right then and there. Tori's hands slid down the waistband of my pants and she tugged them down to my knees, pausing to let me kick them off. Which I did in a blink of an eye.

I bite my lip to suppress a moan in anticipation. The cold air from her air conditioner is making my nipples more errect and as Tori's hand is trailing patterns right next to my clit, that's whats getting my underwear more wetter.

Then they were kissing again, slower than before. This time the kisses were sweeter and slower.

Tori wriggled her index finger into the waistband of my underwear, I'm pretty sure she went over my clit on purpose. Pulling it all the way down my long legs to my ankles, letting her hands glide softly against my thighs.

She started kissing the skin around my sex, she left it completely ignored.

She lets out a giggle as she whispers; "You're so wet.."

I let out a groan. I NEED her to touch me.

She dragged one finger lightly along my skin there, my mouth falling slightly open. I could feel how wet I actually was as Tori's fingers dragged over my mound once more.

"Please,"

She dipped a finger inside my folds which earned her a very hot moan, the feeling of Tori inside of me was pure ecstasy. It was the best feeling in the world. She began thrusting her finger deeper and faster. She pressed her palm against my clit before slipping in a second finger.

Screaming her name and making god knows how many clawing marks onto her back. She licks my clit, and I feel my walls tighten.

I buried my face into the crook of her neck.

_I am so close._

She trusted her fingers into my opening harder then before, "Come for me Jadey."

"Victoria!" My scream went over the edge, my muscles clenched and I dug my nails hard into her back as if holding on for her dear life, my whole body rocking with tremors of my orgasm.

We kissed passionately for a few moments, until Tori said the words;

"I love you."

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40 reviews and I'll continue.


	7. Speechless

_Jades POV;_

"I love you."

I was speechless. Oh my god, what do I do? I don't want to ruin what just happened, but damn, do I miss her saying that.

She's staring, she's trying to read my thoughts and she just can't.

"Tori," I finally said after a long silence. "I-"

"Look," she said looking at me, holding her bottom lip captive. "I'm sorry. I know this is a lot to handle. But, I can't do this anymore Jade. I just- I can't go around school with a fake smile anymore. I want you back, and I want," sighing, she takes my hand in her own. "I want us back."

The ache in my chest was just as intense as it was those first few days after the break up. I don't know why, but I'm more hurt then I am ecstatic. Why is it that after I let her do this to me, she wants me to be her girlfriend? Am I just some girl she's looking for a fuck from whenever she pleases? Come to think of it... She did always act more interested in me when my shirt was off.

I can tell my face is scrunching up in the thought. I notice how my nose is flaring, and how my knuckles are gripping the bed sheet whilst turning white. I bit my lip in an attempt not say something I'd regret. I didn't realize how hard until I tasted blood.

The expression on Tori's face when I looked down at her will haunt me for the rest of my days. The hollow look in her coffee covered eyes made my blood run cold and a shiver run down my spine. Her lips are twitching and I know she's about to cry.

And as on cue, water filled in her eyelids as she tried to move out of my grip, I held her in her place and forced her to look at me. Despite the jerking of her arms, she learned to sit still.

"Tori."

Sniffling, "Just let me go Jade," She wasn't crying anymore. She looks _pissed_. "I should have fucking known not to say anything. I should have known that this is all that you wanted. You want nothing more then-" She goes off on a rant but I don't listen. All I could do was pay attention to that second line.

'This is all that you wanted.'

Wha- What_ I _wanted?

Oh hell no.

I planned to scream at her, to yell and start crying, maybe even to slap her across the face to where she got the point. But when I find my head flying towards her before I could stop myself, my lips were already nipping hers. Built up anger turned into fiery passion formed when she grabbed a fist full of my hair and _pulled_. The only screams found from me were the electrifying moans that were caught in my throat.

Repeating the actions over and over, I couldn't help myself.

I screamed her name. I screamed it and I'm pretty sure that the neighbors heard me.

"Tori!"

My lips rushed to her neck and I bit. Hardly. I felt her tiny hands find a fist-full of my hair and pull me towards her lips again.

I declined the offer, I took her left hand and slammed it against the backboard of the bed she was leaning on. She gasped, a mixture of my name and 'Jesus fucking Christ' was heard.

I pulled away from her neck to look at her.

She was a mess, she looked like she was dehydrated, her mouth was ajar, her chest is rising and falling so quickly I can barely tell which is which, her eyes are halfway closed and it's so fucking hot.

I leaned in slowly, but when our lips met it was nothing less then an assault on my part.

I grabbed her breast with one hand, and raised her shirt with the other. Before she could even blink that shirt was halfway across this damn room. I ripped her bra into. It was one of those with the front clip. If you're wondering.

"That was my favorite bra!" I don't know whether she's serious or joking, but I see a faint smile on her lips.

"I don't care." I smirk at her wide eyes.

I immediately latch my teeth onto one of her nipples, "Jade!"

Her voice is pure bliss. It's cracked and full of need.

And boy, do I need her.


End file.
